At 3:00 am I lay awake in my bed.
My oldest is about to start her first day…The first day of her school career, the one we have been prepping her for all summer with reading challenges and math practice, the one that always danced in the back of my mind as I taught her baby sign language, carefully selected the evening stories and secretly embedded learning into each activity. The big day…it’s really, tangibly here, staring matter-of-factly at us without the slightest bit of tenderness. It’s here.
Her backpack is filled. A second bag over flows with School supplies from the list (16 jumbo glue sticks, 3 boxes of 36 “Crayola only” crayons? Seriously?!). Her clothes are laid out, lunch and snack are packed in the adorable lunchbox that matches the adorable new backpack, everything is ready to go … except, Me!
I am not so sure about all this. I spent the night before, walking around the house moving her backpack from the floor to the coat hook, to the front door and then back again because it needs to be in just the right spot.
My mind keep reaching back to places that are dangerous to go, with an achy heart: The first time I held her, her first steps. Lost teeth. Bikes without training wheels.
The memories, quiet and loud all at once. Tonight they seem so fresh, so vivid.
How many times did I find my self frustrated or embarrassed by a melt down only to have my mom or Dad lovingly tell me, “enjoy it, it will all go by to quickly.” In the moment, I don’t think I could absorb how true these words were.
And today I find myself kind of wishing to be back in the “terrible twos” and wondering how it has all gone so very fast.
Have I prepared her well enough?
That simple question tumbles into another one and another and still another …
Did I hug you enough? Did I love you enough? Did I teach you enough? Will you make friends?
Will you choose good food? Will you be happy? What if someone is mean to you?
What if you’re mean to someone else? What if you miss me so much you cry?
What if I miss you so much I do the same?
What if I blink and you’re 18 and starting your senior year?
so fast?What if it really does go
Well, I survived the day…and she conquered it! She came home beaming and talking nonstop about all her new friends and did I know there was a thing called P.E.? She was so proud telling me about how she got to read, “In from of the whole entire class!, and didn’t make not one mistake, because I am really talented you know?!
Wether or Not I am ready, My sweet girl will grow up. Some moments will fly by, and some will crawl, but they will happen.
And some will be more bitter than sweet, but at least there will be sweetness. I want to embrace all of them. Savor them. Enjoy them.
So when each new millstones comes, far to quickly, I will celebrate the amazing young woman I have the honor to know as my daughter. And when I do cry, I will be okay with it. Each moment with my daughters is a gift, and each new millstone a mark of my success in raising her and an indication of how one day she will stand on her own… It’s okay to cry.
Thank you Lil’, for making my life richer and more meaningful! I am so proud of who you are! I will always love you more then you will know… Until you have a child of your own at least.
Share This Post